Your Heart Needs an Overhaul But You Don’t Want Your Pockets Picked? Check This Out!

Your Heart Needs an Overhaul But You Don’t Want Your Pockets Picked? Check This Out!

Do you need heart surgery but you blew your insurance premiums on liquor, loose women and lottery tickets?

Save a whole lot of money and give a good hard kick to the establishment by putting your life in the hands of people who operate out of love and not for money.

Contact  the American Amateur Cardiac Surgeons Association. The AACS offers heart patients an alternative to price-gouging AMA leeches.

I know, I know what you’re thinking. Amateur Surgeons??

Look, you’re at least fifty years old. Don’t you think that’s long enough? A hundred years ago you would be considered elderly. Face it, if you haven’t made a splash in the world by now, you’re never going to.

Our surgeons undergo three weeks of intensive training and promise to read a lot about the heart. We also suggest they watch TV shows like ER and Doogie Howser. Those characters really know their stuff!

When they feel ready, they must pass a one-hundred question multiple choice test and they only get three chances to pass it.

For your safety, all surgeons are heterosexual males and members of the white race.

What do you have to worry about?

The following rates are fixed:

Catherization = $1.99 per twelve inches.

Ablations – $9.99

Stents – $29 each

Bypass – $49 for the first bypass, $19 for additional patches

Valves – $49 – $99

Transplants – $199





Operations are performed between 12:00am and 6:00am, seven days a week, at one of the finer hotels in your area. Patients must pay for the room.

Note: Transplant patients are required by law to furnish their own replacement heart.

Contact the AACS by sending an email to goldenretirementpark $/@/$$$$$$$$$$$$$ The message should read: “Want to buy a <make, model, year> of <name of car>? Please call <phone number of pre-paid cell phone>”.

When finished with the call, IMMEDIATELY break up the cell phone into three pieces. Mangle the hell out of them. Place each piece in a brown paper bag along with an apple core and two used sandwich bags. Drop each bag in a public trash can, one dumpster divers don’t frequent.

Someone will call you within 24 hours. Follow the caller’s instructions TO THE LETTER!


Dr. Shamus Slycindyce

Executive Director

American Amateur Cardiac Surgeons Association