Planet Earth’s dickheads have demanded an instant vaccine against that Covid-19 thing as it emerged that a deceased Chinese workforce could substantially delay the rollout of the new iPhone.
With workers across Asia dropping like flies and major population centres under lockdown, concerned Westerners are having to make do with substandard technology to download their high-definition pornography.
Meanwhile, shock waves rippled through the world’s tech markets as rumours spread that dead Apple employees were not firing on all cylinders and were, in some cases, failing to return from their five-minute lunchbreaks.
The US tech giant closed its offices in the Hubei province more than a week ago, leading many to speculate that those intricate little smartphones won’t fucking screw themselves together.
Apple user, Simon Williams, said, “I’ve always respected the Chinese as a hardworking, noble sort of race – a bit like the Japs – but this amounts to a lack of consideration on the part of those infected with this rather terrifying disease.
“I’m not racist, but this whole outbreak could have been prevented if China had adopted UK hygiene standards – like washing their hands when they come back from the bog if it’s anything more than a piss.
“Do people seriously expect me to watch ‘two girls, one cup’ on an Android?”
Apple spokesman, Dirk Weinbecker, added, “We could be looking at a delay of up to six months across all of our product lines, so I’d advise Simon to use his left hand in the event of buffering.
“Shit has begun to get serious.”