The World Health Organisation has announced that eating a doner kebab with extra Nagasaki sauce, onions and pickled chillis is one of the best protections current available against contracting the coronavirus.
“The critical thing about the Coronavirus is that it is easily transmitted through human proximity,” said WHO spokesman Simone Guilliames at a press conference this morning.
“Which is why we recommend keeping at least one metre from other people during the transmission phase.”
“And studies have shown that the best way to achieve that is eating a steaming doner with lots of sauce and a couple of pickled chilis.”
Immediate studies have shown that nobody wants to get within ten feet of someone eating a kebab, and many will get up and leave a bus or train carriage rather than share it while you’re stuffing one into your face.
The defensive properties of the meal last for hours after consumption, because Jesus what did that do to your guts? It smells like something crawled up your arse and died.