Convicted rapist Harvey Weinstein has discovered that pretending to need a walking frame is not considered a defence in a court of law.
Weinstein, who spent many years being unpleasantly active from the waist down, adopted the frame in a bid to pretend his hips weren’t up to any jiggery-pokery – only to discover that a jury of his peers wasn’t born yesterday.
”It’s obviously a great concern to any other grotesquely overweight deviants out there, as the ‘I’m not well enough to walk, never mind stand trial for decades of crime’ defence is one many of them have considered as a ‘sure thing’,” said District Attorney Simon-Bob Williams.
“As it is, the jury looked at his shuffling gait and two-sizes too large suit, and then they looked at the actual evidence presented to them, and said quite emphatically ‘Get bent with that bullshit’.”
In a statement, Weinstein’s lawyers said they felt a miscarriage of justice had been carried out, because a jury of Weinstein’s peers would be composed of narcissists prepared to look the other way for a bumper payday, rather than honest and thoughtful members of the public willing to judge the evidence solely on its merits.
However, plans to appeal the verdict have been put on hold after Weinstein learned the appeals process doesn’t involve inviting to judge to his hotel room for a bath at 2am.
In other news, police are asking for the owner of an unused walking frame found abandoned round the back of the White House to come forward.