Vladimir Putin has sadly announced he has no choice but to self-isolate in the President’s office for as long as necessary – possibly years, if not decades.
Putin, who it was feared might have to come out of the office and mingle with ordinary people at the end of his term, is understood to have made the decision on the advice of experts who knew they’d better not advise him to do anything else.
“Expert advice is for people to quarantine themselves for the good of others, and so there really isn’t any greater good than me staying right here for a long, long time to come,” Putin said in a statement to the Russian public.
“Of course, there are piddling little things like laws and the constitution to consider, but what are they when there are important things like my wellbeing at risk?
“I will always do what is best for the Russian people, as I always have, and right now it appears that this is for me to stay right here, in the President’s office, until such time as the nation is completely healthy and free home any virus threats.
“Do not worry, I will definitely let everyone know when that day arrives.”
Taking another mouthful of caviar and popping his feet on the Presidential desk, Putin nodded to reporters over a web link.
He concluded, “Clearly it is for the best that I stay here for as long as necessary. Possibly forever. And you all agree with me, don’t you?”