VA offers Divorce Loan

VA offers Divorce Loan

WASHINGTON — The Department of Veteran Affairs will now guarantee a loan to help service members leave their spouses, Secretary Robert Wilkie confirmed today. The loan looks to provide financial stability to finally get out of the black hole of despair that is your marriage.

The loan will provide an initial $1,000 for divorce fees, and up to $250,000 to be deposited after a split of the couple’s assets. The goal is to help the service member dump cash on the hole left where his/her family used to be.

“Like buying a house or going back to school, divorce is another milestone in a military member’s life,” Wilkie said. “After you lose the VA loan house, and the kids you had at a VA hospital, the VA Divorce Loan will be there. You can buy a boat or motor home or some shit and pretend everything is actually really great.”

Divorce has long been a tradition of the U.S. military, going back to the days of the Revolutionary War. Colonial soldiers came home to find their wives churning butter on another man’s estate and looked to secede from that union.

Female service members as well have had a rich and honored tradition in the Armed Forces. Often undervalued, they have had to work twice as hard in the same deployed environments, only to return home to find that asshole has tinder on his phone.

“The military knows more than anyone what its like to be stuck in a bad relationship.” said Gen Austin Miller commander of U.S. Forces in Afghanistan. “Its about time we gave our troops a way out.”

The VA has frequently been criticized for not doing enough to help servicemen and women leave the person that cheated on them while deployed. The response to the VA Divorce Loan has been overwhelmingly positive and proponents claim it could help lower veteran hospital visits, homelessness and even suicide.