With a pandemic looming, Britain’s most dedicated hatemongers are now engaged in a frantic race against time to find some way of blaming COVID-19 on the mayor of London.
Although it seemed an impossible task, Simon Williams, political editor at the Daily Express, was confident the nation’s ethnic nationalists would eventually be able to lay the blame for the pandemic at Sadiq Khan’s doorstep.
“This country has some of Europe’s best closet racists and we have centuries of experience doing horrible shit to people of colour. If the bigots of the country pull together I’m sure we will prevail over logic and decency.
“As far as our newspaper is concerned, we have a plan set up and now it’s a waiting game. As soon as the first sick person in London dies, we will publish a picture of Sadiq at the gym or eating an apple and imply he is at fault for not milling around quarantine wards 24/7. It’s a strategy that worked well with knife crime, and we’re confident it will work here too.”
However, some racists maintained that focusing on Sadiq Khan was a mistake and that more effort should be put on blaming Muslims in general.
As explained Barry Tinnock, a bus driver who believes the Taliban and ISIS are terrified of overweight roll-up smokers chanting ‘no surrender’ in flat-roofed pubs.
“Personally, I’m going to go on Facebook and post misspelled and obviously bullshit ‘quotes’ from the Quran about virgins for people who use plague on the infidels. Or maybe a video of some random imam speaking Arabic with subtitles claiming he’s telling all sick Muslims to go cough on the potatoes in Asda.
“If I make a name for myself maybe Sharon will let me see the kids.”