The British public was finally given a clear sense of the timeline for the virus crisis as Boris Johnson’s misplaced confidence and shifty demeanour pretty much guaranteed that by mid-June the UK will become a dystopian hellscape where civil society has utterly collapsed.
Working from his home in Kettering, accountant Simon Williams explained that, although it was grim news, it was nice to have some certainty, and at least Britons could now start planning for survival in a nightmarish broken nation where Death stalks unchecked.
He told us, “It’s always hard to guess just how bad things are. We like to seem blasé and post Instagram pics of cats on laptops along with wanky jokes about having a new assistant, but we also want to know when we have to start wrapping barb wire around a cricket bat.
“So when I saw that blubbery wanker say he reckons we’ll be over the worst of it in twelve weeks time, I was finally certain we are facing the end of civilisation. Twelve weeks gives me lots of time to sort out the front patio for when we just drop our dead outside the house.
“Also, I can start deciding what kind of marauder gang I want to join and explain to Zoe that veganism might not be an option when we are knifing people over a tin of dog food.”
Westminster insiders predict that, around the same time as the first outbreaks of cannibalism, Boris Johnson will issue a message from a secure location in the Bahamas denying he ever said anything about twelve weeks and blaming the EU for the horrific death toll.