A long-running study has found that Tuesdays are utterly hateful.
“They’re terrible, rubbish, crap, dismal, and largely pointless,” said the report author Doctor Simon Williams.
“On average Tuesdays are more likely to see deaths, divorces, twisted ankles, dropped ice-creams, houses being struck by interstellar comets, serial killings, new Transformer films, flying ants, bad smells, the extinction of an endangered species, that nice-looking man on the bus talking to someone else, and plague.”
However, there is currently no hard scientific explanation for Tuesdays being so utterly dreadful.
“At the moment? No, we simply don’t know. We have observed the results, we just can’t be 100% sure about the cause.
“It’s possibly something to do with the sun’s radiation, evolution, or an ancient gypsy curse; one of the usual things.”
It is thought that the Government are taking the report seriously and may issue advice to all regions of the country that, wherever possible, people should stay in bed on Tuesdays.
But until then, Doctor Williams has his own personal method for dealing with Tuesdays.
He went on, “I wear a full suit of armour at all times. It’s not ideal, and not entirely practical, but it can give protection against slips, falls and meteors from the sky.
“I also avoid my partner, public transport, private transport and anyone who looks a little bit plague-y.”
Whilst Doctor Williams would support any stay-in-bed plans from the Government, he urges them to go further.
“Just cancel Tuesdays and have Wednesday twice.
“It’s the only way to be sure.”