History is bunk, as Henry Ford says. Maybe that’s why Trump wants to ‘Repeal and Replace.’
After centuries of pointlessly encumbering the tremendous as yet unexploited and unredeemed fracking landscape of South Dakota, Mount Rushmore’s 4 “Totally fake, totally overrated, tremendously corrupt” Presidents are finally for the chop!
Self-appointed greatest President (-ial Historian) in all of history Donald J. Trump opines:
I think we got a tremendous problem here. A lot of people are coming to me and saying, ‘Have you heard about the Mount Rushmore people, complete waste of time, TOTALLY discredited, nobody cares. SAD!’ And now they’re like, and they’re telling me, ‘oh look, CRAAAAAAZY Uncle Bernie wants to ban fracking, maybe we should ask the Russians to release his tax returns!’
Oh well, too bad! I hear a lot about the problem.
We have some tremendous oil in South Dakota, tremendous good, clean, coal. Apparently the only thing is this socialist national park, I thought ‘hey that sounds good, a nationalist social park?’ and they tell me ‘no Donald, not a national socialist park, a socialist national park’ and I’m like ‘who cares, I don’t have time for these pedantic distinctions, what’s the bottom line’ and I hear it’s only $184 million dollars a year! A YEAR!’ and ‘I’m like awwwwww, this is no good!’ But we got all kinds of problems in this country! And I tell ya what, this is a tremendous problem! And ‘what can we do with it instead?’ And they’re like we could probably squeeze out an extra 2 or 3 million dollars a year, I mean at the very least 0.75% of a million a year, if we give it to fracking.’ And I’m totally astounded, the Donald is like: ‘That’s TREMENDOUS MONEY, why didn’t you do it before?’
And oh wait, you have to hear this, nobody’s been saying this before. Apparently the four ugly old guys up there, they’re actually past US Presidents! I mean they, they have like names and everything, but I said ‘Is Andrew Jackson there?’ and they said ‘No,’ and it’s like, all these boring dead guys, whatever! And I said ‘It took me a WHOLE ten minutes of my life I’ll never get back using Wikipedia to find Andrew Jackson. You know what, nobody cares, let’s just go on ahead and Frack Baby Frack!’
And then Shifty Steve, get this, I mean you’ll never believe it, Shifty Steve pops up in my inbox and he slithers (you know the way he does it, he’s still crying for me to get him his job back. TOO LATE! SAD!) But anyway, Shifty Steve Bannon says ‘Why don’t we demolish your ugly face and carve you into it instead?’ or whatever, something like that! And I’m like ‘Why the hell would we do that? We might as well make a Trump motel instead, or an entire state-wide casino Franchise spanning the whole of, er, whatever that state is called, well anyway! But too late Steve, nobody cares, everybody’s forgotten him already! Sad, sad, SAD! BIGLY!’
Recent projections, however, show that foreign interest in this project is abysmal, and a decade of full capacity tourism to Jurassic Trumpland, Dakota (TM) is highly unlikely to even make up a quarter hour golf session in Manhattan; even in the dumb, stupid, pathetic, HIGHLY discredited golf clubs nobody even cares about! TOO BAD!