It’s been happening for decades. MAYBE for centuries!
At Joseph McMormon’s Irish Tavern in Provo Utah, Lawrence Stuffington, a British tourist en route to the Temple in Salt Lake City, had more Guinness on St. Patrick’s day than he could handle. While this may not be an unusual occurrence at Joseph’s, the shocking scandal Mr. Stuffington exposed to the kind people of Provo was both amazing and confounding.
The British people, as a whole, have been faking their English accent since 1952.
“Haven’t you ever wondered how all of our actors can do a perfect American accent?” Exclaimed a liquid-brained Lawrence. “Not to mention all of the bands in the British Invasion! None of them had an accent when they sang! Those young men had a British accent during the beginning interview with the host on a TV show then, as soon as the music started, they sounded like they were from the Midwest! How did you guys not notice?”
THE BRITISH INVASION
Upon further investigation into the subject, Weekly World News discovered audio belonging to Ms. Mary Kowauun, an old American woman that used to work as a temporary maid in England during the late 50s.
“I was shocked by how wrong I was about the world around me! It was a real eye-opener! Those British folk are not to be trusted!” Ms. Kowauun fretted. “I simply had to find a way to get concrete evidence. Nobody would believe me otherwise! I tried to tell my friends about it. They kept saying I needed to be committed! I didn’t want to end up having an extended stay at the Cucamonga Coocoo Commune!”
CHEAT SHEET FOR MODERN BRITS
THE EVIDENCE IS IN
The discovered audio is of the Beatles during a morning meeting sometime in 1959. George and Paul sounded as lovely as any southern gentleman would in Alabama. Ringo could have driven a cab in Brooklyn! John was mysteriously still using his fake accent. The guys were even chiding him about it!
The following is a short excerpt of the conversation:
“Awww, cut that phony crap out ya big palooka. We’re alone for Pete’s sake!” Ringo could be heard grumbling in his thick Brooklyn accent.
“You are making us uncomfortable, John” said George. “We’re all friends here. You can be yourself.”
“It’s downright disrespectful to us. Your net being very nice John. It’s fine to do to those American dum-dums, but we know better.” Paul teases. “What if I called up your Uncle about this? A right proper tongue lashing you would be in for!”
“No.” John firmly spat. ” Just you watch! You all are getting too casual! They are going to find out about our charade sooner or later. Then it will be all over. Americans will start to realize that we aren’t smarter than them. This accent is the only thing keeping up the illusion! Then where will we be? Most of our jokes during interviews don’t work unless they are spoken in a proper British accent! You all know this! Stop being so sloppy!”
This calls into question everyone’s reverence for Benny Hill, Monty Python, Dr. Who, and any programming on public television that you thought was making you a cut above your friends because you knew who Captain Peacock and Mr. Humpfries were. Not to mention any random British intellectual that you might get into a discussion with about philosophy at your favorite local bar. Is that guy really smarter than you? Probably not. He used the “British Mind Trick.” All persons around the conversation were powerless to fight the sway of the lilting tones.
Weekly World News put in a request for an interview with Hugh Laurie. As of this posting, there has been no response.