Sunday is my favourite day of the week, says freak who doesn’t hate his job

Sunday is my favourite day of the week, says freak who doesn’t hate his job

PUBS are the perfect place to watch the footie on a big screen and make a pleasant lunch unendurable for innocent bystanders. Here’s how it’s done.

Shout at the players

Immerse yourself in the game by bellowing advice to trained professionals as you sink another pint of Carlsberg. They won’t be able to hear you because they’re on a television screen, but the elderly couple near the quiz machine will be intimidated into silence.

Start chanting

There’s nothing like an obscene, boisterous, insulting chant to recreate the atmosphere of a football stadium. That atmosphere being a low-level threat of violence with xenophobic undertones, which doesn’t pair well with roast chicken and veg.

Crowd the bar

Carrying your pints from the bar to your table takes two seconds, but anything can happen in that time. Make sure you and your mates don’t miss a thing by drinking at the counter and ensuring no one else can get anywhere near the baff staff.

Celebrate goals aggressively

It’s a good thing when your team scores, so articulate your happiness in a normal fashion by punching the air and swearing until you’re red in the face. The family trying to eat next to you will be grateful you’ve taught their kids some new words.

Insist on watching the post-match analysis

While the rest of the pub is relieved your tedious Third Division match is over, you can prolong the misery by making the landlord put on the post-match analysis. This gives you a chance to shout at the telly all over again and completely ruin the rest of the afternoon for everyone else.