“Go ahead, make my grub,” was intended as the slogan for Clint Eastwood’s cooking show, “The Good, The Canned and The Frozen,” allegedly given the go-ahead by America’s “The Food Channel” earlier this month. After two episodes, the network pulled back until the injured could be airlifted to a hospital.
Eastwood, having his last few movies ignored by the public, decided to reach his fans directly, via a cooking show.
“We wanted to reach his core audience,” said a spokesperson. “Elderly men and women as well as shut-ins. We’ve had a few setbacks, but we’ll get back on track. As soon as the burn-units have removed the injured.”
Hopes for the show were initially high, with Eastwood offering trademark lines like “I know what you’re thinking, did I put one cup of sugar in there or two?,” “Are you feeling lucky, Chef?” and “You think that flour will stop me?”
CLINT EASTWOOD OUTSIDE HIS KITCHEN
WHEN THE TROUBLE BEGAN
Problems with the series seemed to arise when Eastwood ceded control of the show to his long-time friend, 109-year-old Wagon Train Cook, Alphonse “Cranky Cookie” Gummer.
Gummer, listed as a co-producer, claims to have been the last Wagon Train cook in America, which would mean he was cooking for wagon trains heading west during the Great Depression. When asked about the obvious falsehood of these claims, he spat in a reporter’s face. “Goldurnnit, I’ll rip your scalp off,” he hissed between teeth that were, apparently, fashioned over Halloween.
The show was designed to appeal to people who relied on both canned goods or frozen goods and food-bank stuff to get them by.
“We had a contract with Hormel for the first season,” sighed a spokesperson, “We were going to explore the wonderful world of canned beans. I guess that’s all gone, now.”
Problems arose during the first episode when “Cookie” couldn’t master an electric can-opener, decrying it as a “pagan attack on the laws of gettin’ quick grub.”
After gunning down the appliance, he leapt onto the cans with a bear knife, screaming incoherently about Injuns, leaving eighteen crewmembers wounded by flying wads of tin and beans.
“CRANKY COOKIE” GUMMER
THE SECOND SHOW INJURED EVEN MORE
The following day, after a night in sedation, Cookie re-emerged, seemingly ready for the fray. Eastwood even donned his classic Spaghetti-Western serape outfit to watch over it, chomping a cigaroot and squinting…a lot…while wearing protective goggles.
Cookie began preparing his White Bean and Vegetable Stew when he whipped out a blowtorch.
“Fatso Child never thought of this!” he declared before the explosion tore through the studio.
Ambulances were on the scene for six hours.
Meanwhile, Eastwood is currently shopping a children’s show, “Be My Friend or Else.”
It will feature Eastwood having fun with his favorite puppet muse “Mr. Empty Chair.”
Cookie’s ashes have been dispersed at a political rally in a custard pie.