NEWLY FORMED USA BALLET COMPANY TO REVIVE THIS SCI-FI CLASSIC
Moe Fangule, the President of the newly formed “USA Ballet Company, Inc.” has announced the company’s first project, a fully orchestrated, choreographed adaptation of the 1959 Ed Wood stinker film, “Plan 9 From Outer Space.”
“It was a no-brainer,” explained Fangule. “It received ‘Worst Film Ever Made’ as well as ‘Worst Director Ever’ in the Golden Turkey Awards. I mean this is a ‘cult’ project. It has an audience, of some sort.”
Since the original film had a barely understandable alien invasion plot, some of the worst acting ever captured on film, shabby special effects, idiotic dialogue and editing that was apparently done with an axe, how can this fledgling ballet company recreate it on stage?
“Well, we’re trying to figure that all out, right now,” said Fangule, sitting in the office of the USA Ballet Company, Inc. in Bayway, New Jersey.
“We’re thinking outside the box on this,” he said. “We have a limited budget and the original film is hard to top. You had a Swedish former wrestler playing a cop who scratches his forehead with his gun and delivers his lines like…a Swedish ex-wrestler. You had grainy footage of Bela Lugosi spliced into the thing that lasted about a minute. Then, he’s hit by a car and killed off-screen. When he comes back as a zombie, Ed Wood used his chiropractor as a stand-in.
“You had a psychic, The Amazing Criswell, book-ending the movie with monologues that sounded like they were written during a 3AM acid trip. The invading aliens looked like they were outfitted by The Rockettes and their flying saucer was a pie-plate on wires. We knew we had our work cut out for us. I, mean, this is a classic.”
THE ORIGINS OF ‘PLAN 9 – THE BALLET’
Fangule, whose full-time job is in waste management, came up with a daring approach.
“At first we were thinking about hiring a choreographer to teach up-and-coming ballet dancers to stumble and shamble around onstage looking hesitant and unsure while the orchestra churned,” he recalled.
“Then, I thought to myself, if I didn’t hire dancers to stumble about, I could avoid paying a choreographer. So, we’re not hiring dancers, we’re just picking people up off the street. They’ll have no idea what they’re doing, like the film’s original cast. They won’t be required to speak coherently because the whole ‘plot’ will be spoken by our Hollywood star. Right now, we’re putting out feelers to such greats as Scott Baio, Kevin Sorbo and James Woods. One will be our ‘Seer,’ our narrator, our guide, like the original film’s psychic The Amazing Criswell.”
Fangule acknowledged that this first project is all-important to the fledgling company. “For us to succeed, it’s important to keep the budget low. To that effect, I’ve not hired a composer. I’ve chosen public domain music; a lot of it used in movie serials and TV westerns way back when. Most of it is perfect. I’m sort of up in the air in terms of a few percussive melodies from ‘Nyoka of the Jungle’ and ‘Tarzan’s Greatest Hemorrhoid’ because they’re pretty jarring without having chimpanzees jumping around. And with our budget?”
GROUND-BREAKING INTERPRETIVE DANCE
When asked if he thought he could compete with such prestigious U.S. ballet ensembles as American Ballet Theater and Ballet Magnificat, Fangule sighed and said, “No. I’m thinking of changing our name to include the phrase ‘interpretive dance.’ So it doesn’t cramp our style.”
He leaned back into his chair as seagulls swooped down upon the toxic oil swamp behind his window, picking up stray human bones. “Between you and me? I started this because I’m in over my head with a loan I took from two of my associates in waste management. The Sculazzi Brothers, Nicky ‘No Ears’ and Gavin ‘Grunt,’ want their money by the end of the month. We’re debuting the 27th. We better sell out.”
When told to “break a leg” by this reporter, Moe flinched. His phone rang and he excused himself, taking the call. “Phil? It’s Moe. Do you think there’s room in the show for chimpanzees? No, not real ones. Kids in suits. Yeah, kids. Isn’t there a daycare center right around the corner from the theater…?”