Pest control inadvertently exterminates all civil servants at Army North

Pest control inadvertently exterminates all civil servants at Army North

FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — A pesticide treatment at the headquarters of U.S. Army North accidentally killed all of the civil servants assigned there, according to surviving Army officers. 

More than 70 Army civilians—plus one unlucky Homeland Security liaison—were exterminated during a recent response to a cockroach infestation at the headquarters, which is located in San Antonio. 

Decimated ranks included a few king-SES mega-roaches (classified as blattodea stultus piger reptilium), as well as some unlucky TDY civilians who were receiving training on providing civil support to waterbug-infested state and local governments.

“Roaches are notoriously hard to eliminate,” said pesticide controller and ARNORTH operations officer Maj. Yolanda Reyes. Reyes, who previously served in the Army’s chemical corps, has pumped insecticides into all four corners of the old stone fort for two years in an attempt to rid the headquarters of incompetence roaches, and to help it get noticed for once by its higher headquarters, U.S. Northern Command in Colorado.

Reyes expressed disappointment to reporters.

“I failed to get rid of the roaches,” she said. “I’ve sprayed in the most-infested places, like Afghanistan, Syria and the Joint Staff, and this place is by far the worst.”

“I give up and will retire in a few weeks to my roach-free, soldiers-only house in a place far away from the USAJOBS website.”

A contract employee said, “I thought we were the cockroaches,” while disinfecting herself with wet wipes and a six-figure pay stub. “We eat any DoD contract entirely for the dollars and never out of a sense of patriotism. But it turns out civil servants were the pests all along. Who knew?”

At press time, ARNORTH officers were frantically attempting to reset the headquarters battle rhythm while searching for the remains of the commander’s intent, which—according to sources—was eaten by dying civil servants craving one more taste of relevance.