42-year-old Gary Taylor only communicates with the colleague right next to him by email, behaviour that strongly indicating he also adopts his dead mother’s persona and attire when alone every night.
Colleague, Simon Williams said, “I started extending team outlook meeting invites to include the odd social function. But whereas others continuing to also talk, Gary ceased all verbal communication and only ever emails me.
“It’s the words that should only ever be spoken that really disturb me. ‘Did you have a good weekend?’ He’s got that question on repeat – every bastard Monday at 9.04 am without fail.
“I initially tried a verbal response, like you do to a person 20 inches away – something like, ‘not bad, you?’ But I would then see him type a really elaborate response about a drain blockage or how he watched Thor Ragnorak for the forty-eighth time. I had read it before he sent it.
“Then he sends it. He then smirks when the new mail ‘ping’ noise activates on my computer. Mental bastard.
“He emails to ask if I want a cup of coffee. Again I started by saying ‘yes’ to test him. Nada. Zero eye contact. He just gets up, walks off and returns with a coffee. I even spilled some on his mouse mat the other day. He just emailed, ‘don’t worry about it, just be careful next time.’ Seriously?
“People started thinking I was the weird guy, just randomly spouting off at the bloke next to me, who’s not even paying attention.
“So, I thought, okay buddy, get fucking ready!
“I’m hammering him. I’ve set up a 9.05 daily passive-aggressive response to his Monday morning bullshit with, ‘yes. I did, thank you for asking’.
“Yesterday, I deliberately farted in the office and then said, out loud, ‘bit of a dodgy stomach there, Gary? Woah’ before emailing him, “IT WAS MEEE, FUUUCKER!” Tomorrow, I am going to spend all day emailing him my every thought and a list of all the contents of my desk.
However, Gary told us, “I bet the team £50 I could make Simon completely lose his shit with me within six weeks, without saying a single word to him.
“Any day now.”