Nobody in the North of Britain has caught Coronavirus because they’re that bloody hard, according to a World Organisation report published today.
Obviously these foreign diseases can infect southerners and the like because they’re all soft jessies, but in the innate hardness of northerners has rendered them thus far immune.
Residents of areas as widespread as Dundee, Sunderland and Hull were found to carry a natural resistance to the disease, largely due to none of their ancestors ever having worn a coat.
“Coronavirus is incredibly virulent, and we were curious to know why nobody from the North had succumbed, and what we found astonished us.
“Basically, they’re all just nails.”
Experts from the Centre for Disease Control are hoping to develop a vaccine for the disease by synthesising northernness and rapidly mass-producing it, although anti-vaccination campaigners on the Internet warned this might lead to people given the vaccine becoming taciturn and tight with money.
“My six-month-old child shared a train carriage with a man from Barnsley, and he’s not got his round in since,” one concerned parent warned.