TORONTO – Several weeks after Greta Gerwig’s 2019 adaptation of Little Women was released, thousands of boyfriends nation-wide confessed to being moved emotionally and spiritually by the film after being reluctantly dragged to see it be their partners.
“I went with him to Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and The Irishman, and even though I fell asleep during 1917, it still counts as having seen it,” whispered Hanna Ferrier in a scantily-filled movie theatre. “And don’t even get me started on Joker… He owed me one!”
Sources in attendance reported that several men entered the film making the same joke about needing a sequel entitled some variation of “Big Men,” like “Large Guys” or “Colossal Males,” to their weary romantic companions.
“I can’t believe Hermione’s dad is Better Call Saul!!!” exclaimed Steve Budreski while prodding his girlfriend. “You didn’t tell me that he was gonna be in it. I would’ve agreed to come sooner if you did!”
Post screening, a choked-up Samuel Seely disclosed that although he didn’t “cry cry, like when John Wick’s dog died,” he “didn’t understand why Beth had to pass away.” He blubbered, “She was the best of them, just a really nice girl- Oh God here I go again.”
“Wow, I guess women do be needing to make their way in the world, huh,” signed Sachin de Silva. Later, he was seen speaking to his partner tersely in the parking lot assuring her that she did not have to choose between love and ambition, because she could have both.
Despite the many glowing reviews issued hesitantly by countless boyfriends, many remained steadfast in their belief that they did not understand Timothée Chalamet’s “whole deal.”