As the coronavirus crisis begins to take hold, the Great British people have responded to looking to the stoicism and dignity of the Blitz generation and completely shitting themselves before having a fistfight over some value pasta in Tesco.
Simon Williams, an insurance underwriter and part-time church deacon from Saffron Walden, had just made his regular Saturday morning trip to Tesco, where he snatched a tin of beans from the hands of an old lady, had a straight-up fistfight with a man he recognised from the commute over the last packet of value pasta Twirls, and then shouted at the Saturday girl on the till because she wouldn’t let him buy 374 toilet rolls.
“We’re British,” he said.
“We’ll get through this, just like we got through the Blitz. We’re not like other countries who just fall apart at the first sight of adversity.”
He went on to say that he felt sure his earlier behaviour in Tesco was perfectly in keeping with his image of the blitz generation.
“Definitely. I’d certainly imagine my grandad would have stood up for his rights to fill up the spare room with loo roll, just like I stood up for my rights to fill up the spare room with loo roll. He didn’t fight the Nazi’s so some Saturday girl could lecture me what the ‘appropriate’ amount of toilet roll.
“Hoarding toilet roll what makes Britain great.”
Mr Williams then sneezed, shat himself, and immediately drove to the nearest hospital where he demanded a bed and ventilator.