Middle aged man realises every item of clothing he’s wearing was a gift

Middle aged man realises every item of clothing he’s wearing was a gift

WHAT Britons really want to know is: will the coronavirus affect the value of my house? Here Daily Mail property editor Nikki Hollis answers your questions.

Can my house catch the virus?

Thankfully coronavirus only appears to affect people. If your house looks ill – maybe a slate has fallen off or a tap won’t stop dripping – call 999. If the paramedics seem annoyed, they are probably just jealous renters.

How much could my house be devalued by?

In a worst case scenario, thousands of people will die and your house could be worth five per cent less. In a best case scenario, millions of people will die and the property market will remain buoyant. Let’s just pray it’s the latter.

Is the government doing anything?

Yes. Realising many of its core voters are property-obsessed suburban gits, the government has instructed the NHS to restrict medical care to homeowners and estate agents.

What can I do if my property is falling in value?

If enough people die, the law of supply and demand will no longer keep property prices ridiculously inflated. Consider burning down desirable local properties with petrol through the letterbox, or steal a JCB from a building site and go on a rampage in the new mock-Tudor housing estate.

How should I keep up-to-date on the coronavirus/property price situation? 

Every time you go to the shops, study the prices in estate agents’ windows obsessively, although you probably do this anyway because it is your pornography.

What if my house stops going up in value? 

You’ll still have a perfectly nice house to live in, but my advice is: kill yourself. What’s the point in living if you can’t drone on smugly about ‘buying at the right time’?