Prime minister Boris Johnson was left with no choice but to engage in a major cabinet reshuffle, after asking ministers ‘hands up who likes me’, only to find many of them reaching for the floor.
Despite only having put his cabinet in place a few months ago, the prime minister’s unwavering need to be adored by everyone around him has led to further significant changes in many high-profile positions.
Former Chancellor Sajid Javid said, “He started the last cabinet meeting much like all the others, with each of us having to look Dominic Cummings in the eyes and swearing a blood oath that we had done, and would do, nothing to interrupt his mission.
“Then Boris takes over and asks for a show of hands from those who like him. Unlike normal, most people reached for the floor – they’re just a bit tired of the whole Cummings thing, you know?
“And that was it, I decided to resign before Dominic had a chance to tear me a new arsehole. Other’s weren’t so lucky.
“Do I have any advice for the new ministers? Well, I would say look at me and my track record, and then look at the fact that I decided to resign on principle – that should tell you everything you need to know about the Boris Johnson government.”
A Downing Street statement explained that the reshuffle was planned all along, and that the cabinet was once again full of people who will do precisely what Dominic Cummings says while saying nice things in public about the big blonde baby nominally in charge.