YES, I moved my virus-hit family to Devon, but I needed to be safe so I could annoy you with my creative and crafty tips. Here’s how to ensure your self-isolation is a jolly old time.
Use the lockdown time to spruce up your second home
If you’re privileged enough to have one, of course. However, it’s important that your home is hygienic as well as gorgeous, so make sure any non-essential family members get there via public transport. If they show any symptoms, simply leave them on the train to Penzance.
Reupholster your patio furniture
So you can enjoy your outdoor space. If you catch the neighbours having a sociable barbecue, give them a good ticking off. Processed meat is both common and disgusting, so they should delay until they’ve got a better cut from a local butcher.
Cheer up your dinner table by crocheting some fancy doilies
Even if all you can afford to eat is baked beans, a doily adds a touch of class. I’m lucky to be able to eat better than that because I made a canny investment in a pair of lovely semis and a seaside bolthole 20 years ago. And also my family is f**king rich.
Get your kids making things in the garden
We enjoy crafting red pom-poms and throwing them about, pretending they’re corona spores. Try not to get them in your neighbour’s garden as they may catch the actual coronavirus if they touch them. Though on the upside, if they die they’ll leave a delightful pad for your Hampstead friends to buy.
Stay at home
Because Channel 4 are very close to signing me up for Kirstie’s Corona Craft Home and you must all watch me making darling little trinkets, such as upcycling Laura Ashley dresses into floral PPE.