‘Judge me not by the content of my character, but by the size of my headphones’

‘Judge me not by the content of my character, but by the size of my headphones’

By Wayne Hayes

SOME have described it as a ‘pathetic and pointless contest’, while others have dismissed my fones as ‘very expensive earmuffs’.

Some have even called me a ‘pretentious twat’.

But I have now managed to cover almost half my skull with my headphones. Each ear piece is the size of a pudding bowl, while my dreary friends have achieved a diameter of not more than 7.5cm.

Jealous wretches say my headphones just look bigger because I’ve got a smaller head. They say it is cruel optical illusion and demand a re-measure.

Let them fondle their Beats by Dr Dre like the stone-colds losers they are.

As for me, I hope one day to have headphones the size of a pair of woks.