STRUGGLING with older relatives who refuse to stay at home? Here’s how to make sure they’ll never leave the front door again.
Say the government wants them to go outside
If your boomers are Daily Mail types, they will believe we live in a horrifically PC nanny state. Tell them the government wants them to go outside so drones can check the population for diversity. They’ll be so furious they’ll stick to the sofa like glue.
Tell them this is their Blitz
Thanks to romanticised movies, many boomers wish they could’ve experienced sheltering from Jerry’s doodlebugs. Use this to your advantage by comparing the coronavirus to the Luftwaffe and telling them their living room is now effectively the London Underground.
Exploit their love of houses
Boomers love the property market, so scare them rigid with a cock-and-bull story about gangs of squatters moving into houses while the owners are at Tesco. This will seem entirely plausible because they watch Channel 5 programmes with titles like All New Buy-To-Let Nightmares.
Play dirty by reminding them that you’ve seen their internet search history, and all it takes is one tweet from yours truly to share it with the world. You will have to waste even more time explaining to them what a tweet is, though.
Get to know them
This should be used purely as a last resort. Once you ask a few questions about their childhood they will not stop talking for days and will find your attentive ears more appealing than anything the outside world has to offer. At this point you will be tempted to push them out the door.