GUESS WHO’S BACK! Trumpisms 5.0

GUESS WHO’S BACK! Trumpisms 5.0

114

Sign on White House door:

Gone fission.

Be back tomorrow,

if there is a tomorrow.

115

Definition of nuclear retaliation —

the morning after pill.

Guaranteed to prevent pregnancy.

Every pregnancy.

116

“It’s falling! It’s falling!”

“What?” asked Trump. “What’s falling!”

“The sky is falling.”

“Well, that’s a relief.

I thought you meant the stock market.”

117

Trump is the right person to serve as Commander-in-Chief

in this time of crisis.

From his experience with escorts and porn stars

he’s well qualified to deal with

nuclear whore.

118

Reassuring wis-dumb from Trump:

To avoid Armageddon —

Keep a well-stocked spice chest.

Never run out of thyme.

119

Message from Iran about Trump —

Iya told you so.

120

Reassuring wis-dumb from Trump:

To avoid Armageddon —

Keep a well-stocked spice chest.

Never run out of thyme.

121

Thanks to advancing technology,

I can now get the news immediately,

and watch it screaming.

122

The Trumpite went to court

petitioning to leave the human race.

He didn’t mind being called a racist,

but he didn’t want to be known as

a homo

sapien.

123

What is the bridge player’s favorite bid?

For No Trump

124

Trump promises —

“After dealing with imminent threats

from Iran

and Iraq,

we will go after their neighbors — Iphone

and Iamanidiot.”

125

“Embassy?” asked Trump.

“You say I said MBC?

That’s fake news.

What I said before was a brain fart,

a misfake.”

126

News flash!

A chorus line of Trump escorts and mistresses

plan to dance in front of the Capitol to help his cause

by diverting attention from the impeachment trial.

They call themselves the “Trumpettes.”

127

Trump wears a toupee

because he believes

apparent hair

makes him the hair apparent

to the throne of America.

128

Trump is bullish by nature.

He writes with a bull pen,

and concludes each message with a BS.

129

Trump knows the future.

As a pathological liar,

he is, by nature,

a sooth slayer

130

Trump has applied for membership in the American Medical Association

on the grounds that he is

a hypocritical oaf.

131

The tenth muse,

the muse of impeachment

has come out of hyding,

with a mountain of evidence,

Lev Parnas-sus.

132

Trump’s new theme song —

The Last Time I saw Parnas.

133

On the avenue,

Fifth Avenue,

the president will shoot you,

and you’ll find that you’re

bleeding out in a sewer.

134

Trump built a tower on Fifth Avenue

so he could plead the Fifth.

135

Trump is a constitutional expert —

He takes a constitutional every morning.

136

First uniforms for Trump’s Space Force are camouflage.

Makes sense so they’ll blend in with the plants on the other plantets of the solar system.

137

Trump was delighted when

the New York Times and Washington Post got dirt on him.

That meant he would never be washed up.

138

When Trump  is confused

by impreachment,

sub penises,

and testes money,

he takes comfort no-ing

that as Precedent of the United Mistakes

he is above all raisin and flaws.

139

Trump is growing a beard,

so he can no longer be called

a bald-faced liar.

140

The heart was nominated to run for President

because of her strong and steady pulse —

beat Trump, beat Trump, beat Trump.

141

Have faith,

the invertebrate Senate Republicans

will eventually develop spines,

at which point they will have evolved

to the level of snakes.

142

Third article of impeachment —

Trump is an enema of the people.

143

The Dershy Bar

is an insult to both

chocolate and

the rule of law.

144

Instead of a sitting president,

we need one that’s upstanding,

and precedential.

145

When Trumpity Dumpity sat on a wal

and Trumpity Dumpity had a great fall,

why couldn’t all the king’s lawyers

and all the king’s eunuchs

put him together again?

He wasn’t a king

EDITOR’S PICK: MORE TRUMP-TASTIC SATIRE…

FROM RICHARD SELTZER & OTHER GLOSSY NEWS HUMORISTS!