Trump’s recent pronouncements on Coronavirus have been highly controversial. However, other Republicans are here to save the day.
At the time of writing, typing ‘trump coronavirus irresponsible’ into Google gives us 8 050 000 results (!) Including some old foes of Babylon Donald, funny enough! So in this context, it’s worth being fair and balanced and giving you a bit more insight into the Republican Party’s wide famed viewpoint diversity.
Faction 1: No More Corona Queens!
FAIL! You shoulda worked HARDER! 🤣🤣🤣
There is absolutely no reason to believe there is anything wrong with ‘Coronavirus’ victims at all, other than a lack of diligence, thrift and self-reliance. Why are all these people just randomly dying? Don’t they know to just pull themselves up by their own bootstraps? I mean, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the liberal media keep saying people ‘can’t afford to take a day off work.’ Well whose fault’s that?! If you don’t have any savings and can’t even take one day out of three-six-five for the means of basic physical self-preservation, then to be honest, maybe the economy can just do without your negative output nonsense! You ever hear that little word ‘meritocracy?!’ Look, many of our donors are working a three day week, and even THEY get accused of being welfare queens. now something just ain’t right here! Drop the entitlement!
Faction 2: Pray Away the V!
Good health is a God given right!
You see, this is what happens when you don’t pray and trust the arm of flesh! 🛐
Meanwhile, here comes a (marginally) more compassionate approach from Champagne Pastor Mike Huckabee:
Well, maybe y’all should just pray a bit more! For reasons that are perhaps best known to myself, I have been entrusted with a private revelation that every single one of the Coronavirus victims was lacking in faith, and leading a very sinful and dishonorable lifestyle that is deeply unpleasing to God!
And while we’re at it, I should probably note in passing that a lot of highly successfully pastors and enterpreneurs agree with me on this one! Joel Osteen, Pat Robertson, Franklin Graham, Paula White, Kenneth Copeland… The consensus is HUGE on this one, so don’t take my word for it! The only ministers and men of God who seem to disagree with me are people who seem to be eking out some kind of breadline existence of some kind, which speaking for myself, I mean frankly it’s baffling anyone whose ministry is not showing ANY signs of being blessed by God should be tempted to stick their neck out like this and act like a Satan aka ACCUSERS of TRUE clergy like Joel and Pat and Paula, as if they had the right to call God’s work into question!
The bank statements are there boys, read ’em and weep! Woe unto the man who calls evil good, and good, evil! Truly the spirit of Antichrist must be upon the earth, when the true people of God are ill spoken of, and false shepherds dare presume disturb the peace of the world!
Faction 3: Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb-Bomb… the World?!
NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU A GOOD NUKE OR TWENTY WOULDN’T SOLVE! 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
Unhinged right-deviationist Tankie John Bolton snarls and slavvers:
The liberal media have been consistently no-platforming and cancelling my sterling think tank work. REEEEEEEEEEEE! We have every reason in the world to believe, and every reason in the world to not give you our reasons for believing…
That the Coronavirus is a sinister anti-American plot, maliciously concocted by Red China, North Korea, the Islamic Republic of Iran, the Ukraine, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, the EU, Tasmania, Papua New Guinea, Micronesia, Melanesia, Pakistan, Iceland, the Faroe Island, Vanuatu, Fiji, Hawai’i, Canada, and the entirety of Africa, Latin America and Antarctica in an unforgivable attempt to harm the national interest of America!
According to their twistedly nefarious, and dare I say it, highly IMMORAL and EVIL logic, they somehow seem to believe that by killing off half the world population, we will no longer need to drop a few nukes to heal the climate. This is a purely arbitrary attempt to curb American power and dominion upon the earth, and it will NOT be tolerated!
Oh and by the way… While we’re at it, any of you goddamn bleeding heart liberal snowflakes who say otherwise need to get out your ivory tower and go out into the real world for a change! Nobody ever learnt anything about war by standing aloof and lecturing others in a highly intellectual and detached manner while the world burns, forgetting there are real human lives being taken every moment, while they’re playing with their utterly detached and meaningless intellectual abstractions!
THICK NUKES TRUMP BOOKS!
Faction 4: Keep it Simple, Stupid.
Finally, Rand, it’s over to you!
What should the US government do about this one?
Uh, well… It just so turns out, the Founding Fathers, in their matchless wisdom, had absolutely nothing to say about this kind of situation! So as the Constitution doesn’t mention Coronavirus even once, I think we have to be very careful of the risks of taking well intentioned actions that may well save hundreds of millions of lives in America and indeed billions across the globe, but that are nonetheless lacking in any 100% crystal clear, unambiguous Constitutional sanction. I think we need to have our priorities in order here. Maybe we should just let the markets sort out the wheat from the chaff. Anything more than that is an unaccountable and arbitrary abuse of unearned power, and unless we want to put the purely theoretical and statistical lives and wellbeing of several billion human beings over an eternal, vital, organic, living reality which we can maybe just call an unconditional and undiluted adherence to constitutional originalism… Well, I think we should just go with what is right and proper, and not what somehow makes us feel good, y’know all warm and fuzzy! Or, or whatever it is all these cruel, heartless, callous, unempathetic, irredeemably misanthropic, power-loving Big Government aficionados feel when they think about this situation.
Catch Glossy News Satire on Facebook and Pinterest!
Here and here.