WASHINGTON — General Paul E. Funk II, Commander of US Army Training and Doctrine Command, released his command philosophy this week. Sources confirm it is just a list of inspirational memes lifted from the social networking site Pinterest.
Experts have further determined the Pinterest quotes were adapted from a variety of sources, including a forwarded email sent via AOL in 1996, public service announcements from the animated series GI Joe: A Real American Hero, and assorted fortune cookies accumulated from Fong’s Chinese Takeout in Hood, Texas.
Reporters acquired a copy of a PowerPoint slide entitled “Funk’s Fundamentals” via the Freedom of Information Act. The slide, which contains a whopping 40 bullet points, includes gems dripping with such unselfconscious irony as “Simplicity is a principle of war.”
Funk first joined Pinterest while serving as the commander of the 1st Infantry Division in 2013 as a way to promote his direct-sale essential oil business. Soon, however, he began accumulating inspirational quotes by “pinning” them to his own page.
“I came across a lot of great quotes from boss babes that I wound up using later in my career,” said Funk. “For instance, here at TRADOC, we’ve fully implemented Funk’s Fundamental 15, ‘A good idea is great when it is shared’, with our ‘no original staffwork’ approach to plagiarism at CGSC.”
Some experts are skeptical about the use of leadership quotes to inspire subordinates. A recent study found a direct correlation between low intelligence and those who were inspired by seemingly profound quotes, especially those set in cursive font against a picturesque landscape. The study further found those who were most influenced by inspirational quotes were less likely to engage in reflective thinking—in particular, the sycophantic majors and colonels who eat this bullshit for breakfast.
The study also concluded that those who fell for inspirational quotes were more likely to engage in conspiratorial thinking, or as Funk’s Fundamental #16 puts it, “There’s no such thing as a coincidence.”
A TRADOC spokesperson responded to an inquiry regarding Funk’s blatant ripoff of unsourced leadership maxims, with “Hey, that’s Funk’s Fundamental 35: TOPS — Take Other Peoples’ [Stuff.]”