Simon Williams, a retired taxi driver from Eastbourne, has single-handedly destroyed the Extinction Rebellion movement by wittily highlighting on Facebook that Greta Thunberg’s smartphone had a carbon cost, hence invalidating all and any of their viewpoints.
Witnesses from Bristol, where Ms Thunberg was scheduled to lead a schoolchildren’s’ march, reported scenes of students storming off in tears or staring at their screens muttering about how they got it so wrong. Many were overheard hailing Simon Williams as a liberator from their indoctrination and wishing they had such a razor-sharp wit in their lives to tell them what to think.
In his home, Mr Williams stayed magnanimous as he rolled cigarettes to keep busy when he’s on his asthma nebuliser.
He told us, “Those kids think they’re so clever because they can read IPCC reports and have shown themselves masters at getting into the news cycle whenever they want.
“But I suddenly realised that in all the pictures you see of them they are using smartphones, wearing clothes and even drinking coffee. So I made a brilliant meme using a photo that Swedish teenage girl I obsess about in a totally healthy way.
“And before you know it, everybody who rants on about mass extinction due to man-made climate change suddenly decided to shut up and listen to people who put England flags on their mobility scooters.”
Mr Williams said he would consider a post of Minister for Youngsters but for the moment he was happy to get back to his routine of misquoting the Magna Carta in letters to the Council appealing his life ban from Eastbourne Asda for racially abusing a security guard.