WASHINGTON, Planet Earth – The first Chief of Space Operations, Gen. John Raymond, deeply regrets crowdsourcing the name for America’s newest military branch, according to sources.
“I thought it would be a fun way to get young airmen involved in the process,” lamented the general, who sources say has never spoken to a young airman or been on the internet.
The voting process was conducted via an app made by the same company that ran the Iowa Caucuses. Among the finalists were “Spicy NASA,” “Deeznutz Patrol,” and “Elongated Muskrat 2: Revenge of ‘ole Musky part 5/7, Electric Boogaloo,” but ultimately “ForceyMcSpaceFace” rose to the top.
In addition, voters overwhelmingly demanded that the service’s uniform nametapes be written in Comic Sans with alternating font colors and capitalization, which was not even an option on the survey. Officials suspect that the “infamous hacker 4chan” is behind the debacle, but allegedly are too fearful that negating the results of the contest will hurt the military’s already-floundering recruiting numbers.
Vice Commander of the U.S. ForceyMcSpaceFace, Lt. Gen. David Thompson, has doubled down by soliciting ideas for a title that refers to members of America’s dankest branch.
“I was hoping for serious suggestions like ‘Guardians’ or ‘Sentinels’ or even ‘Vanguards,’ you know the typical, cool kind of names you associate with teenagers who are really into space,” said Thompson, who pronounces the word, ‘meme’ as ‘mem-ay.’
Twinkly boi 3rd Class and part-time TikTok millionaire James Sanderson ultimately submitted the winning proposal. For his participation as a founding father of the new branch, the 18-year old was awarded the service’s highest award, the Distinguished Floating Cross. Sanderson says that, at the first available opportunity, he plans to “yeet” the medal into the void of space as part of his newest series of “hilarious prank” videos.
Lieutenant Dan contributed to reporting