In a bold move today, the General Synod of the Church of England launched a marketing strategy aimed directly at recruiting hardcore Catholics who are disillusioned at being part of a paedophile ring but don’t feel there is anywhere else that hates sex as much as they do.
Intrepid journalist Harold Backstrap gained exclusive access to an inside intelligence asset embedded deep within the Church of England Marketing team.
“The plan is simple. We want to make ordinary people who are having sex pass a number of ethical hurdles before they can feel good about it,” the anonymous source told Backstrap.
He went on to explain that the Church had run a decoy campaign for years giving the impression of becoming more inclusive.
“We were making them lower their guard and come out in the open,” explained the source.
“It was easy really. We started with allowing clergy to have same-sex relationships. We had to disguise it by ‘insisting’ they were abstinent but everyone knew they were at it like priests in a ball pool.
“Then we commissioned a report called ‘Living in Love and Faith’ to give the impression we were really thinking hard about being more inclusive.”
Backstrap pressed the source hard for more details. Two more volts was all it took, as the source went on, “so today we have announced that we genuinely don’t give a shit about LGBTQ and single people by announcing you can only have sex if you are in a marriage between a man and a woman. A church marriage, obvs.
“And not a civil partnership. We fucking hate those.
“So now the Catholics will see we are a natural home for them. The Church of England congregation won’t leave because they don’t want to tell anyone it’s because of the sex thing. We’ll get more members, fewer people will be able to have guilt-free sex and the nation is, once again, subjugated. It’s a classic win-win.”