Chapter Six: Memoirs of a Dairy Queen

Chapter Six: Memoirs of a Dairy Queen

Okay, let’s get one thing straight.

Hold on…

There.

Better.

Moving on.

There are those who say that money is the root of all evil and those that say homosexuality is the root of all evil.

Actually, homosexuals with money are the root of all evil.

Having put more than a few guys through conversion therapy, I too believe that heterosexuality can be cured.

I must admit, my moral compass doesn’t always point north.

I have said some things to awful guys in Gay bars

– Awful things, I mean.

Here are some of my favorites:

“I’m sorry. I’m not fluent in nelly.”

And

“Now, I hate to end a sentence with a preposition but, what the fuck are you looking at?”

And:

“Someone needs to call the Secretary of Transportation because you are a train wreck!”

One night another guy and I were not liking what we saw.

We zeroed in on a particularly unattractive specimen and I said to him:

“If you had to choose between having sex with that and shooting yourself in the head, what caliber gun would you use?”

Another time, I once heard two guys drooling over a gorgeous man:

First man: Would you swallow?

Second man: Are you kidding? I’d brush my teeth with it first.

But wait!

There’s more:

I once made like JFK with a trick and told him,

“I’m not going to do you because you are easy. I’m going to do you because you are hard. He happened to be an astronaut. Did I mention that? Well he was! It’s a fact. Ha… asstronaut.”

Another time, it was the morning after and my trick said,

“You complete me!” so I asked him,

“What are you, a crossword puzzle?”

I briefly dated an abusive airline pilot who would tell me each time, before he hit me,

“Brace for impact.”

I miss him.

Once when I was hallucinating, Humpty Dumpty came onto me and I told him to hit the bricks. I told him to scram…(ble)!

It is true that I’ve had a rear-view mirror mounted on my bedroom ceiling for years now.

Once, I even saw a cop coming.

Back in the day I was what is known as “rough trade.”

Since then I’ve learned to moisturize.

I dated an old(er) guy once and asked him what sort of underpants he wore and he said, “Depends.”

So that was the end of that.

He now lives in the 50 Shades of Gay nursing home here in the neighborhood.

The longest relationship I ever had was with a tube of Preparation-H.

We broke up because he refused to wear a condom.

So, fed up, I gave escorts a try.

I found that when I was paying one of them / loaning one of them money afterward, it added some levity to say,

“It’s been a business doing pleasure with you.”

Buy-the buy, you don’t ever want to say “Penny for your thoughts” to one of these people because he will tell you what he is thinking until you owe him another twenty bucks.

One more tidbit about man-whores, who get a bad rap from a lot of different sex-phobic people.

Without man-whores there wouldn’t be the term, “unrequited sex”:

Sex by one person that involves a second person who is, in fact, not actively involved.

I love it!

So, when I was doing a stretch in the slammer (don’t ask) it turned out I was stuck in the prison with the lowest rate of rape in the whole country.

Godammit.

I realized, lying there on my cot one of the first nights, that I didn’t so much
want my fellow inmates to rape me; I wanted them to want to rape me.

By the time I was released I found out that, in fact, they did all want to rape me and that was very flattering.

It was only recently I learned that a Lesbian Eskimo is called a Klondyke.

An “isosceles love triangle” is when identical twins are both involved with a third person.

Once had a friend who could not go to see the movie “Milk” because he was lactose intolerant.

The friend not Harvey Milk.

Wait, wouldn’t it be funny if…

Never mind.

Was in London once for Halloween and went to a costume party dressed as a giant cigarette.

Everyone kept calling me a fag.

And they were still doing it at Thanksgiving so I came back to San Francisco.

This year I decided once again to spend the summer a broad.

I find the clothes more comfortable in the hot weather and the wide-brimmed hats provide a nice shade for my alabaster skin.

Shut up.

FACT:

I once threw a Labor Day party where everyone dressed in white – until
midnight, at which time we all took our clothes off and jumped in the pool.

What can I say, it was the Roaring 20’s.

Other things you should know if you want to be Gay-sophisticated:

▼ Otters are Gay beavers.
▼ Rhubarb is Gay celery.
▼ Gay cougars are called “Pink Panthers”.
▼ A bouncer in a gay bar is known as a “flame thrower”.
▼ Non-Asian men dating Asian men is known Chinese Take-Out.
▼ Cruising for old(er) Gay men is “going antiquing”.
▼ Uncircumcised men are called “boyz in the hood” or if you’re like me, you don’t call them at all.
▼ To go spelunking is to Sure, it still involves caves… Man Caves – the only caves worth exploring! I’m tempted to include my recipe for Dingle-berry jam but will hang onto it for now. See what I did – working the word “hang” in there?
▼ “Man gravy” is – Well, let’s just say it is not something that is good on
potatoes. Actually, maybe it is. Don’t know if anyone has found out. Actually, someone probably has.
▼ Just think, if it weren’t for Gay men, “bottom” would not be a verb.

So, what we have learned?: What a difference a Gay makes!

I was in a Gay men’s discussion group once and the facilitator asked the twelve of us to go around and finish the sentence – without repeating anyone else’s response:

I like my coffee like I like my men: __.

They answered:
Hot.
Strong.
Weak.
Black.
Instant.
Irish.
Bitter.
Fair trade.
With whipped cream.
With donuts.
With my name written on the side of the cup.
Day old.
Oops.

I knew that being the last one to answer would be a challenge.

I have always been able to retain things related to utter filth and that’s because I have a pornographic memory.

Go ahead, ask me what the best of the best in Gay porn films are:

“Splendor in the Ass”
“The Czech is in the Male”
“The Constant Hardener”
“A Cockwork Orange”
“All That Jizz”
“Field of Reems”
“The Russians Are Cuming” and its sequel, “The Russians Are Cuming”
“Three Gays of the Condom”
“Here Cums Andy Hardy”
“Whose Afraid of Vagina Woolf? We Are!”

And, since it’s usually Gay men that come up with straight porn titles too:

“Beaver to Heaven”
“The Cunt for Red October”
“No Cuntry for Old Men”
“All Quiet on the Western Cunt”
“True Clit”
“Snatch Me If You Can”
“Snatch Adams”
“Sperms of Endearment”
“The Whore Whisperer”
“Event Whore Risin’

FUN FACT:

I once had the worst job on a porno set: assistant spooge coordinator.

(Those close-ups don’t look all pretty on their own, you know.)

But I worked my way up to Head Spooge-Co-ordinator.

And then all the spooge-co-ordinators in the business tried to go union because us spooge-co-ordinators had to stick together.

Then we all got fired.

THE END.

Roll credits.

Movin’ on