Chapter Four: Wild Life

Chapter Four: Wild Life

It’s a fact.

My most recent dog loved cantaloupe and honeydew.

He was a “melancholy.”

I wonder what percentage of German shepherds are antisemitic.

I wonder if, in China, they eat chocolate labs as (a) dessert.

They probably taste like chocolate mousse.

I had a cat once.

I called him ATM because he would fuck anything that moved.

He was bi-curious. Which killed him.

I also had a canary once but it died in a coal mine.

It was the first to go.

That was my last pet.

No more pets for me, I tell you.

I don’t even have pet peeves anymore.

I had a few but had to have them put to sleep.

They kept peeing all over the carpet.

Word to the wise:

While they sound adorable, Cuttlefish do not actually make very good pets.

And pool sharks used to keep me from going swimming but I now believe they are extremely rare.

And pool sharks used to keep me from going swimming but I now believe they are extremely rare.

Sharks seem really insensitive to me as a whole.

Is it true that after a hammerhead shark kills someone he yells to his buddy, “Nailed it!”?

They say elephants never forget but I don’t recall no elephant ever giving me a birthday card or wishing me a Happy Birthday.

And don’t get me started on reptiles: I have never liked them; especially lizards.

I’ve had a problem with them from the gecko.

I have never had much appetite for killing animals. I will kill an insect when I have to – like a spider invading my space, my bedroom. But then I feel bad.

That’s because I know one of their next-of-kin is going to show up looking for them.

I seriously believe this.

As for the bees they may or may not survive but one thing’s for sure: we will always have wasps.

Just look at the Republican party.

For some reason I like woodland animals.

Except beavers.

I’m allergic to them.

Meanwhile we all have our bears to cross.

This has been Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom!

See you next week!