Boris Johnson’s guide to self-isolating

Boris Johnson’s guide to self-isolating

YOU may have shaken off your family thanks to social distancing, but there’s no escaping them once they set up a WhatsApp group. Here’s what to expect.

An insane number of messages

You’ll get at least 44 messages a minute at peak times – usually rubbish like a government press conference or a new toilet paper meme. At non-peak times, eg. when they should all be bloody asleep, it will drop to 41 messages per minute.

Details of your uncle’s shitting habits

According to your aunt, he’s decreased the number of sheets he uses per toilet trip, thanks to her strict rationing system. Thanks for the mental image of Uncle Geoff on the bog, Auntie Lynne.

Daily stocktakes of your mum’s tinned tomato cans

She’s cut down from using six tins a week to two, “just in case”, even though she still has 36 in the cupboard. This is giving you PTSD flashbacks to your monotonous childhood diet when she would heat up some tinned tomatoes and sausages in a dish and claim she’d made a casserole.

The words ‘Uncle Kev is typing…’ hovering ominously on the screen

Your idiot uncle Kevin assumes you’ll love a video he found of two bikini-clad women wrestling in a paddling pool of hand sanitiser. Will also send pictures of him and his mates gamely ignoring social-distancing rules with numerous laughing face emojis.

Tedious homeschooling pictures 

Your sister will send pictures of how brilliantly her homeschooling is going – and how clean their massive kitchen is. Also expect at least 500 sanctimonious mentions of how her husband is volunteering to help the NHS.

Absolutely no input from your dad

Apparently he’s “getting all the jobs done”, ie. faffing about in the shed. He’ll arrive in the WhatsApp group around April 2023, when he’s finally worked out how to use his cheapo Nokia, with the illuminating message ‘helllo?’.