Prime Minister has celebrated the HS2 go-ahead with a press conference during which he stamped on a bat and beat an owl to death with a spade.
“I am proud to announce that the HS2 project will continue,” said Mr Johnson.
“Of course, one of the many benefits of HS2 is the eradication of troublesome wildlife.”
He then picked up a spade and with a jubilant cry of – ‘have that you feathery git’ – beat an owl to death.
He then removed a bat from an empty Frosties box.
“Look at this filthy little devil,” he chuckled, as he put it onto the floor and stamped on it.
“Ooo, that’s a satisfying noise, isn’t it? I wish I could be there to see HS2 construction kill all those bats.”
He then went on to explain how HS2 will affect the environment.
“For far too long in this country, furry little shits like this have had it their own way – oh no, we can’t build a bypass through there because a hamster might get a bit upset.
“Well, up yours hamsters! This is Great Britain, and if you don’t want to get out of the way of quality infrastructure projects, then you can go back to Hamsterland.
He then left the press conference in a steamroller with a promise to ‘f**k up some deers’.