A guide to homeworking by a clearly insane homeworker

A guide to homeworking by a clearly insane homeworker

THE whole of Britain could be homeworking soon, apart from people with proper jobs. Susan Traherne, a homeworker driven mad by solitude, explains how: 

Get up in the morning

Make sure you get up at a normal time, and by get up I mean take the duvet off at least 35 per cent of your body, and by a normal time I mean to let the postman know you’re onto his little game by shouting ‘Anything from the Illuminati?’ as he passes.

Change into day pajamas

I realised the classification of ‘clothing’ and ‘pajamas’ was arbitrary and unnecessary and mind control in 2016 when I was on a particularly tough deadline. They’re all pajamas. Put on some that match your aura or your brain will begin to oscillate.

Simulate a commute

Lock yourself into a badly-lit room, sway back and forth, read a copy of the Metro you’ve drawn yourself on kitchen roll and throw money in the bin while weeping to simulate a typical commute. Helps give the day rhythm.

Go and work in a café

They’re watching you, and they know you know. Go out to a ‘café’ to ‘work’ and confirm who’s surveilling you today. This also allows you to purge your laptop of Hawking radiation by bouncing it back through public wi-fi to Scientology satellites.

Eat proper meals

Being at home, it’s easy to snack your way through the whole day. That’s what they want you to do. Instead make a full roast dinner at noon every day and eat it with the curtains closed.

Talk to people who aren’t there

Stay off social media. It’s aliens from behind the moon. Instead have lively, animated conversations with fellow office workers who you’ve been imagining for years now. Try not to snap when they leave passive-aggressive notes in the kitchen.

Enjoy the advantages

Finally, enjoy doing all the things you can’t do in an office like watching porn, doing bong hit every 15 minutes, and howling. You’ll love it so much, you won’t want to go back!